one of what I do alot and so do many others.
my heart felt it had stopped and dropped dead this afternoon.
that anger and emotion overwhelming myself that I couldn't even control.
sometimes I even asked myself, omg mich:
"how did you even do it."
"how did you even manage to calm down."
"how did you even manage to swallow and ask qns."
"how did you even manage not to walk out of that door."
'how did you even manage to put back that smile of yours within minutes."
"why did you even do that"
"why did you not do that"
"why you dont ....... etc!!!"
and to think I thought I was trying to control, to think rationally..
yet sometimes, the more I think, the worst it gets, tears just keep on rolling,
like a fucking tap with no knob to off it.
then the headache comes, followed by the block nose.
all I wanted was a hug, 2 panadols, tissues and sleep (well, thats how I roll it)
and I will wake up pretending everything DID NOT happen, or just act stupid and not know about/remember it ( trust me, Im that good at that till sometimes I really cant rmb why I cry in the first place)
I always believe in some things that many has given up on, and personally, I almost gave up as well, on the tip of falling as Im saying. Things such as hugs and kisses, endearment, memories, love, faith, trust, chances and the words "together forever"
To me, old fashion or what, your tai ji, because to me "One and Only" is really "the one and only girl you love, you kiss, you dote on, you get angry but still forgive, telling her not to push you away because you will be damn worried and upset, not lying to, or even so admit and all is forgiven and never use special words or moments you have between each other for other purposes ( unless common words please -.- I talking about special feelings tt kind).
I always have this fear that the "Special feelings for certain special words or actions" will disappear, because once it happen, IT FUCKING HAPPENS, ITS LIKE BOOM BAMMMM WHOO GONE WITH A SNAP OF YOUR FINGERS WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT AND ITS GONE FOREVER. Like no matter what you do, how you apologise and whatever happens, that will never come back.
Even if everything moves on and all, sorry my dear, when you think about it.. for me I will xin suan suan, like whatever is precious and whatever to me meant the world, EVEN THE SLIGHTEST THING, ITS GONE FOREVER, and my tears might roll, my anger might spike, I wish I beg that it didnt happen.. but no sorry hor, byebye also means forever.
But always rmb this, everything takes two hands to clap, so yeah I blame myself too for whatever takes place/happen.
That to say, today I finally gave up on one thing, I think(trying to convince myself not to)
Its not trust, not faith.. these are things I will always believe in and bring around me.
but this one thing that Im giving up, is the biggest and the strongest belief I have in, and it shatters me to even take time to pause and think that is this all worth it.. and suddenly I feel actually Im nothing.. nothing without it.
Damn, its already 5:48am, yet to sleep. Cant sleep after what happened today.
Cant believe my limit is just this pathetic..ARGH!!!! I am very very tired.. I suck k.
they say Im naive, still believe in all those shit.
hello Im 23 years old in a month's time.
you think I cant think? I know what you wanna tell me, wo ye shi guo lai ren.
I know who truly loves me once, cheated me before, or made use of me.
I just.. at times choose to believe what I want to because there are too many things that this world will never see except me, all they know is who what when where how but no not the details.
damn, emosai.
anyway, tc.
anyway, tc.